I looked at my own cervix.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sorry about my life...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
