he thought i was a dude.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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