If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sorry my hands just texted you
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
