I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
