it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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