I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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