i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
