Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
