I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
