So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
