It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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