She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
