Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
