I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
