you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
