I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
