nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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