We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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