I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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