I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
