Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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