I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
