come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
