Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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