he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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