Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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