Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
