she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
