I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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