My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
