she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
