wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
