There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
