I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
