At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
