I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
