I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
