btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
