420 ftw
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
