my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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