wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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