would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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