just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
