Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
