Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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