I have demons in me.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
