I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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