So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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