The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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