apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
