Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
