So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
