I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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