Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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