he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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