Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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