I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just threw up on my dentist
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
