youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
