alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
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After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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