if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
