Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
